My Dad

Its my dads birthday today. In February of this year, my dad had a massive stroke and came close to death. He spent almost two months in the hospital...and then was moved to a nursing home. He has lost 98% of his movement in his right side, and his speech is badly affected. He tries his best to communicate with us- and is sometimes successful, sometimes not. He is in a wheelchair, and is unable to care for himself in the simplest of ways.
My dad was a strong, healthy, silent type. He has an incredible heart- and would give anyone the shirt off his back if they needed it. He was there for me as a child, as a girl, as a young woman. When my husband left....he wasn't one to hug me and let me cry on his shoulder....but he showed up to cut the grass and do some household repairs. He is truly one of the good ones. He has put all he has into his family, and has asked for almost nothing in return.
He hates it there. I don't blame him- its awful. It doesn't matter how nice a place is...it's still a nursing home, it's still a place people go to wait out the rest of their days. Every time I visit him, when I kiss him goodbye and turn and walk away, a part of me dies. It kills me to see him like this. A couple of years ago, we were visiting his oldest sister, who is also in a nursing home, and when we left there, he turned to me and said how awful it was, and that he wouldn't want to live like that.

I think about that alot.

I'm not religious by any means- I have no idea what I believe, so for now I don't believe in anything.  This situation makes me question it even more- what is fair about this? A good man who has never done anyone any wrong...and this is how he gets to live out the rest of his life? Really?

His heart is breaking. As is mine, as is my moms. My mom has been with him for 41 years, and is struggling to cope with the grief she feels. I truly believe that one day he will just decide to give up the fight, and .....go. And as much as that makes me feel sick to my stomach and my heart ache, I understand it, and I get it.

If I could have a wish granted, it would be that he would recover enough to be able to go home, to be able to spend the rest of his life in his home, surrounded by the things that bring him comfort and joy, not surrounded by other people waiting to die. I know, if he could get one wish for his birthday, it would be the same one.

What I have come to realize in the last few months is that it is probably not going to happen. He is most likely going to spend the rest of his life where he is. So all I can do, is do my best to make him happy- take his grandkids to see him, read to him, take him out for walks, and visit with him whenever I can. Just love him.

Happy Birthday Dad. I love you.
Your little girl.