The Argument Against Marriage

I have a partner- he is smart, funny, great with my kids, sensitive, kind, loving and would do anything for me. So don't get me wrong- I'm not against relationships. I love relationships! I have some amazing ones with some amazing people, not the least the one with the guy I live with. (and let me preamble with the fact that this is all about me, and he hasn't proposed or anything even remotely close.) :)

I was married before- married, 2 kids, divorced a few years later. Spent a couple of years finding myself, and then met the man I'm with. I never want to get married again. Never, ever, ever. The words of marriage- commitment, vows, wedding etc, cause a physical reaction in me. A census taker was here yesterday afternoon, and when she asked me if I was married, my immediate reaction was "NO!". And then she asked if I was "common- law." and honestly- even that left a bit of a sour taste in my mouth.
Most of my girlfriends don't believe me. When I say something about not wanting to get married again, the usual reaction is "Oh, you will change your mind.".

But I won't. Does that make me weird? Does it make me part of a minority of women? Or are there lots of us out there? Who have been there, done that, got the crappy t-shirt and now just want to live their lives, without making that commitment, without signing papers.
Getting out of my marriage was a hell of a lot harder than getting into it. And I can think of no good reason to get married again. I already did it. I have 2 children from that marriage and am not planning on having any more kids. I am financially independent, I own my own house, I can take care of myself and my kids without sharing my life with someone.

So being with my partner is strictly a choice. A definite decision. And in that is my commitment to it. So how come some people don't think its enough? And a good question is- why when it is a woman saying she never wants to get married...she gets met with disbelief and then a knowing look like "she's just saying that."
Nu-uuh! Not just saying it. Totally committed (snicker) to not committing.
My partner gets it. He knows how I feel. I don't think he necessarily knows what his own views are about it either (having been married himself).

What about you? If you are married...and you had a chance to do it all over again, would you? Or would you not have done it in the first place? I don't regret my marriage- it taught me alot about what I wanted and didn't want, and who I was. But I won't do it again.

On Writing/ #OpEleanor

 One of my goals for this year was to take a creative writing course- which I have been taking, and my last class is tonight. It has been fun, and interesting....and I have absolutely nothing to share with the class tonight. I am not a creative fiction writer, and this class has absolutely made me realize that. I can write for hours and hours on things I want to write about- but give me a blank sheet of paper and tell me to write a "story"...and I'm lost. I can't do it. The course has been 9 weeks long, and I have started a whole shitload of stories....and after a few sentences I lose my groove. I love to READ fiction, but I can't write it. I love to write...but I need a different type of outlet. I am the person that my friends come to for advice on their lives, their kids, their relationships etc....and I am great at giving that advice (not that they always follow it....but that is another post.) I have a strong personality (thats my nice way of saying I am bossy and domineering and think I know whats best for everyone). And I like to share my opinions. In my thinking and in how I live my life and raise my kids, I think I am pretty unconventional and can see many sides of an issue. I think if I was to pursue writing, it will have to be either just like this, in my blog, where it doesn't matter if anyone reads it or not, or perhaps in an outlet like a magazine, paper etc giving advice and sharing my opinions. So, for #OpEleanor (thanks to Megan), I am going to start looking in that direction. I'm scared, and HATE rejection...as we all do, but I am going to put myself out there, and see where it takes me. I will keep you posted.

My Dad

Its my dads birthday today. In February of this year, my dad had a massive stroke and came close to death. He spent almost two months in the hospital...and then was moved to a nursing home. He has lost 98% of his movement in his right side, and his speech is badly affected. He tries his best to communicate with us- and is sometimes successful, sometimes not. He is in a wheelchair, and is unable to care for himself in the simplest of ways.
My dad was a strong, healthy, silent type. He has an incredible heart- and would give anyone the shirt off his back if they needed it. He was there for me as a child, as a girl, as a young woman. When my husband left....he wasn't one to hug me and let me cry on his shoulder....but he showed up to cut the grass and do some household repairs. He is truly one of the good ones. He has put all he has into his family, and has asked for almost nothing in return.
He hates it there. I don't blame him- its awful. It doesn't matter how nice a place is...it's still a nursing home, it's still a place people go to wait out the rest of their days. Every time I visit him, when I kiss him goodbye and turn and walk away, a part of me dies. It kills me to see him like this. A couple of years ago, we were visiting his oldest sister, who is also in a nursing home, and when we left there, he turned to me and said how awful it was, and that he wouldn't want to live like that.

I think about that alot.

I'm not religious by any means- I have no idea what I believe, so for now I don't believe in anything.  This situation makes me question it even more- what is fair about this? A good man who has never done anyone any wrong...and this is how he gets to live out the rest of his life? Really?

His heart is breaking. As is mine, as is my moms. My mom has been with him for 41 years, and is struggling to cope with the grief she feels. I truly believe that one day he will just decide to give up the fight, and .....go. And as much as that makes me feel sick to my stomach and my heart ache, I understand it, and I get it.

If I could have a wish granted, it would be that he would recover enough to be able to go home, to be able to spend the rest of his life in his home, surrounded by the things that bring him comfort and joy, not surrounded by other people waiting to die. I know, if he could get one wish for his birthday, it would be the same one.

What I have come to realize in the last few months is that it is probably not going to happen. He is most likely going to spend the rest of his life where he is. So all I can do, is do my best to make him happy- take his grandkids to see him, read to him, take him out for walks, and visit with him whenever I can. Just love him.

Happy Birthday Dad. I love you.
Your little girl.

Weekend Getaway

Yay! It's Friday, and I am finishing up work and heading off to Banff for the weekend with my bestie. We are going to have a few drinks (or a little more than a few) eat a lot of good food, get tattoos, and just spend hour upon hour catching up. You would think that since we talk every single day....we wouldn't have a lot to catch up on- and yet when we do our little getaways, we talk and talk. And laugh. And make fun of people. And each other. I haven't had a sister, but I believe if I did, this is what it would be like. It's snowing like crazy here right now- of course. But thats not going to stop us from escaping for a couple of days. I need stuff like this on a regular basis. It feeds the Gemini restlessness in me, and keeps it quiet for a while. I love, love, love my life and all I have, but there is always a part of me that is....restless. It's hard to explain, and I'm sure, hard to understand for the people who love me. But its not about them, or me not wanting the life I have, it's just about giving that part of me a little bit now and then so it doesn't blow up. I'm excited and scared all at the same time to get another tattoo. I can't wait to see it all done! It's gonna be a little one so hopefully it won't hurt too much! Any of you have any ink? If so, was it impulsive? Does it have significance?

40 in 40 & #OpEleanor

So this year, when I was coming up to my fortieth birthday, I did alot of soul searching, alot of "so what have I done so far? And where do I want to go from here?" and I came to a few conclusions. One, that I have done alot of shit in my first 40 years. And Two- I still have a lot to do. I re-evaluated my life- and for the most part I'm good. I have two amazing kids whom alternate with driving me crazy and filling me with wonder. I have a great partner, he is kind, loving and considerate. He loves my kids and they love him. He shares the load with me, and is supportive of all my dreams. I have a fairly good relationship with my ex- we can actually talk now and share information, not just via text messages. He is a good guy- just wasn't the man I was supposed to spend my life with. My kids love him, and he loves them, so really thats the most important part. I have a HLP without whom I don't know how I would have survived the last 4 years. She has been my rock, my best friend, my champion. She watches out for me, and loves me, flaws and all, as I do her. I have a close family- they drive me a little crazy, but I am grateful that I have them to drive me crazy. I love my job, I love my little house. I love that I get to travel a few times a year, and that I get summers off to spend with my kids. I have a good life. So thats the last 40 in a nutshell. I want to keep all those things, and then I want to try some new stuff. Here is my list so far:

1. Learn to speak Spanish

2. Run a 10 K

3. Pay off my debts

4. Read 12 books- not self-improvement books, 12 trashy, fun books

5. Get a tattoo

6. Go rock climbing (I'm terrifed of heights)

7. Go skiing (Haven't gone in about 15 years, little intimidated)

8. Take a creative writing class

9. Create a will (this is a big, important one!)

10. Take an acting class

11. Learn to surf

12. change my internet plan (I know, lame, but necessary)

13. Take a Bollywood Dance class

14. Start a blog

15. Take an art class

16. Get a piercing

17. Learn to meditate

18. Do a 30 day yoga challenge

19. Learn how to shoot a gun (why? why not?)

20. Go snowshoeing

21. Learn to play the guitar (at least 1 song)

22. Go horseback riding (its been years)

23. A Burlesque dance class

24. Travel alone

25. Go ziplining

26. Try taekwondo, MMA, something along those lines

27. Spend a ridiculous amount of money on something frivolous

28. Spend a day serving food at the local soup kitchen

29. Bellydancing

30. Explore my spiritual beliefs

31. Look into laser eye surgery. (scary, but it would be nice to not have to wear contacts or glasses)

32. Get another tattoo (yes, I know this is already on here...I did mean ANOTHER)

33. Grow my hair out .

That's as far as I have gotten. Any suggestions? This is my 3rd #OpEleanor day- I wrote 750 words again, and blogged again. I am gearing up for a weekend away with my hlp- we are going to pretend we are in Vegas again, then get tattoos that have significance both for our children and for each other. Its been a long time since I've had any ink, so I'm a little scared. Nothing a couple of shots of tequila beforehand won't help. :)

Beginnings...

So, I have wanted to do a personal blog for a while- finding time has been a struggle, but last night, laying in bed I thought- tomorrows the day. I came on to get it set up....only to discover that Blogger already had my info. From like, 2007. So apparently, I was all gung-ho then to set up a blog, set it up...and promptly forgot about it and didn't come back to it until when? That's right. Today. Over 4 years later. Now yeah, I've got a lot of shit going on...but that's sad. So now, let's see if I can commit (I'm really bad with commitment of any kind). To not just starting a blog, but actually writing in it. Actually putting some effort in, making time for this. Time for me. I think I have lots of interesting stuff to say. You may not think so, and that's ok. Don't read it then. I'm ok with that. But if you want to stick around, that's great too.

I have just become more familiar in the last couple of months with the whole social media thing. (I know, living under a rock etc.) I had facebook (because who doesn't??), but twitter etc was a mystery. Well, now I have figured out twitter (sort-of) and I kinda love it. I'm being exposed to a bunch of new, interesting people from all over with all sorts of stuff going on. Its fun.

In May I turned 40, and I decided to do a 40 in 40- forty new things in my fortieth year. Its been fun so far, and I have done lots of things, but still have lots on my list. Then someone I follow on twitter set up a challenge called #OpEleanor - all about facing your fears, doing something that scares you every day for the month of November. I decided to jump on the bandwagon. Number one, because I think I would like Megan (@undomesticdiva), she sounds like the kinda girl I would hang out with. Number two, because it falls into my lineup as well of doing new things. One of them on my list is start a blog. So I can check that one off. As of now.